sometimes , people you never thought would fuck you over, do. ive really understood that these last couple months. you really can never trust no one but yourself.  everything has just been uprooted and replanted in this weird place. im getting used to it, but i really miss the old place i used to be. i guess one thing has changed it all, the person who i thought would be my friend forever, isnt anymore. i didnt think losing a friend would hurt so much especially when they did you wrong. but it really does. my best friend. i know it sounds stupid but its like we broke up. i really dont know the person who she is anymore. thats not the girl i knew. not by far. but maybe its best this way right? maybe she would have just pulled me down with her. idk idk idk. i dont even know if i know who i am right now. all these emotions are just going crazy. im happy one minute, on top of the world. then the next im falling and i feel like i just want to get up and leave everything. its so confusing.

but, life goes on i guess. yeah. it does.

where does time seriously go? i miss all those times i was so young and carefree. today me and haylee went to the woods for the first time since FOREVER. its amazing how so many things change. we sat there for a while just looking around, remembering what we used to do, what we used to have. that woods was ours. it was our territory. me her steven and timmy. we would be in there all day during summer.we looked at our carvings on the log where we all used to sit, its amazing how after so many years, people fade away, but those kind of things you did, last forever. its sad actually. we both had tears in our eyes. out of all the people we used to hang out with everyday, me and her are the only ones who stuck together. we've been through fights, even deaths together. i think thats what hurt the most. how everyone grew apart. people we once were so close with, we honestly couldnt tell you who they are anymore. i just wish i could turn back time and do it all over. at least one more time. i know im not old, but im almost an adult. where did all my childhood go? i remember saying "i cant wait to grow up" and everyone telling me to take my time, ill miss it when its gone. its true. i do. i miss every second of it. all i have are memories of when i used to be carefree. its sad. it brings tears to my eyes right now just thinking about how so many things change. people change. even i have changed. i wish i was the same girl i used to be. i was so open, and so happy. i had everything i wanted, my best friend, my boyfriend, and summer. i couldnt tell you who steven is now. i dont even know. he's changed so much. i dont think he would even think about the summer we had. or timmy. timmy has changed the most. i miss it being all of us four together. we were unbreakable. always laughing having fun. even when we did nothing at all. we had eachother and thats really all we needed at that time. they were my support, for everything. now all i have are pictures and my memory. :(

i think im done talking about it though. it really makes me depressed.

life moves on very fast. in the blink of an eye you look back and think 'wow, i miss that girl.' or 'wow that was such a long time ago.'  im sitting here thinking of my past. i smile at the people i once knew, once hung out with, but yet i kinda wanna cry a little. so many people i used to know, i dont even know anymore. we used to do so many things together. party. laugh. sleepovers. everything. and i look back and i wish i could do it again. but everyone is so different now. people are caught up with their new lives, new loves, new friends. its just so hard to belive that one day i will look back on right now, this day, this moment, and wish to relive it . its so sad. i really dont want to grow up. ive always been scared of it. and here i am, almost 18 years old, and still not wanting to be an adult. to face the world, or the people in it. i want to live in my past. i wish i could know i the people i knew. but i know i never will. im really sad right now thinking of the things i used to do. i guess its because i got an email from an old friend. people change so much as time passes and years fly by. i sound like im 30 years old, but its true. if you honestly sit back and think about years ago, what were you like? who did you hang out with? ya know. its just very depressing. i think i need to start living my life to the fullest. taking chances because who knows what tomorrow will bring. thats so cheesy but so true. no one knows how long they have, so you need to get out there and do what you want. who cares what other people think. youre the one who has to die when its your time. not your mom, not your dad, or friends, or anyone. you are.

im going to get off of here and live for the moment.

seize the day baby. :) its your day afterall.

gosh. i dont know where to start. the thing that is upsetting me the most right now is this guy. ive been messing around with him for a while now. i've always thought he was so handsome, then i got my chance. but he doesnt want a relationship. he wants to have 'fun'. i understood that, but here recently i have been getting all of these feelings towards him. its like, i really like him more than just a fun time. i was looking at his facebook, and lookings at pictures of him, and his family & friends, and im just sad. i want to actually be with him. i think i might be falling for him? i dont want to though. because i know he wont be there to catch me. its heartbreaking when you know something like that. it really is. and im done. i want him so bad. but i can keep on trying to be with him when he clearly does not want a relationship right now. i got sooo drunk this past weekend and made a fool out of myself in front of him. i asked him if he had ever been in love, and blah blah blah, basicaly telling him i liked him alot, and i wanted to be more than a friend, but i knew i wouldnt be. pretty much embarassed myself for the next day. he is so handsome. he really is. he is nice, and i know that the attitude hes been putting off to me isnt him at all. i know he knows im liking him and maybe he wants me to stop? idk. all i know is i really want him alot. maybe this blog isnt making sense right now, but i need to write. i need to do alot of growing up. i sit here and think i am, but im not. im only 17 years old and i feel like i act 22. i act that way on the outside, but i need to grow up in my head, and heart. the more i sit here and think about it, the more i want to just break down and cry. i have so many things i want in life, but im too selfish. im never going to be happy if i want all of these things that are so high up on the tree.  once i get a speck close to what i want. i get attached. thats so not good. i know im not making sense right now. but its what it is in my head that i need to write down on here . i just want to be happy. these last couple months i have honestly not been happy. i think ive been depressed. its like every time i have time to think, everything thats been bugging me, or everything ive done wrong, or everything i want but cant have, comes back in my head and brings me lower each time. its not good for my health, mentally or physically, i know this. but idk what to do about anything anymore. im so confused. everyone can tell im not happy. well, my true friends at least. ive done the stupidest things over these last couple months, that i know i will regret my whole life. i dont know whats fucking wrong with me. im depressed. i honestly just relized, i do love this guy. i do. and the reson why i dont stop talking to him, and because i love him. and i know if i tell him we cant be just 'fun' anymore, he will pull away and i won't be able to talk to him. i love him. and if i dont, its sure as fuck as close to it. i love his looks, his voice, his laugh. i need to stop. god damn. i think im going crazy .

crawford..  i need your help right now. i do. i tell you everything and i need you right now. i miss you and love you tons. please help me. :[

no going back.

once you lose something, its gone. and even if you find it, its not going to be the same as it was before you lost it. i just realized that. maybe im behind, maybe im ahead. im honestly not quiet sure yet. all i know, is what i know. i feel empty. my heart does. its hard to explain and i dont know if i would want to. i just know i need to write.

i dont know how i feel anymore. i dont know who i am any more. i dont know anything. i wish i could just run off somewhere by myself and start my life all over again. from the very beggining. but that would never happen. i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. a part of me tells myself to forget about that. and the other part of me cant. i shouldnt be upset. i shouldnt care, but the thing is i do. i care so much. i care more than anything in the world. i cannot force myself to smile about it and erase it from my heart. my friends think i am crazy for still not letting go. but, oh well. its the only thing i ever had to hold on to. and its been gone for a very long time. i want to move on but i cant find the right one. everyone i compare to him. they are 'too this' or 'not enough of that'....

then again i blame myself. i cannot decide which is worse. me judging others, or me judgeing myself. i guess they are equally bad. but idk. i just know i do want to move on. my heart needs to move on. maybe if the right person would come along i could move on and be happy, but that doesnt seem to be happening anytime soon.

idk. im done writing for now.